Friday, December 12, 2008

Bailout Nation: Gov't. To Bail Out Christmas: Santa Claus Is Too Big to Fail; Xmas Czarina Winfrey

WALL STREET JOURNAL -- With the government on the brink of rescuing the U.S. auto industry, we have learned that the Treasury Department is drawing up plans to bail out Christmas. "We have reason to believe," said a person close to the matter, "that without an immediate capital injection, Santa Claus will fail before December 24." Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment.

Government officials are said to be concerned at the risk that the collapse of Santa Claus could pose to the nation's intricately related system of holiday happiness. Though a failure by Santa Claus poses the largest systemic risk, the government is also prepared to step in to bail out Christmas trees, caroling parties and mistletoe producers.

Inside Treasury, some officials privately worry that such a precedent could result in the nationalization of Santa Claus, leading to similar calls for help next year from the Easter Bunny and even Valentine's Day. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson personally concluded, however, that "Santa Claus is too big to fail."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, notwithstanding that she is the mother of five children, has reportedly told Mr. Paulson that Congress will bail out Christmas only in return for a promise from Santa Claus to "go green." Speaker Pelosi said the Environmental Defense Fund has long complained about Santa's eight tiny reindeer and that Mr. Claus would be asked to appear this Tuesday before Rep. Barney Frank's committee with a plan to reduce the sleigh's carbon footprint.

With only 13 days remaining for a Santa rescue, Mr. Paulson and Speaker Pelosi are said to be discussing the appointment of a Christmas czar. The leading candidate is Oprah Winfrey.

6 Comments:

At 12/12/2008 10:43 AM, Blogger KauaiMark said...

Classic!

 
At 12/12/2008 11:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

iowahawk

Thats the only word you need to input to Google.

 
At 12/12/2008 11:21 AM, Anonymous oprahwinfreyismrsclaus said...

Oprah is certainly heavy enough for the position.

The Whiter Shade of Pale. Good one, MP. My preference is Nights in White Satin.

My parents wouldn't let me hitchhike to Woodstock (let alone Haight-Ashbury) for the summer of love [do you know how much real estate is worth 40 years later], but ex-post, Joni Mitchell made it more memorable for me than Henry Paulson (who will be persecuted like Coolidge's Mellon without the libraries) will ever make it for my children.

I thank all those that have posted with me, in fun and war, on this blog over the last year. However, I fear that I have lived in the "sweet spot" and have squandered the future of subsequent generations. And I am humbled to my core.

A classic post, indeed, KauaiMark.

 
At 12/12/2008 5:41 PM, Blogger destilando cafe said...

Yeah, this satire on a vital issue is just so effin' funny. Well, since the author of this blog just seems to post other's people's stuff, I will too.

Senate to Middle Class: Drop Dead

Friday, December 12th, 2008

Friends,

They could have given the loan on the condition that the automakers start building only cars and mass transit that reduce our dependency on oil.

They could have given the loan on the condition that the automakers build cars that reduce global warming.

They could have given the loan on the condition that the automakers withdraw their many lawsuits against state governments in their attempts to not comply with our environmental laws.

They could have given the loan on the condition that the management team which drove these once-great manufacturers into the ground resign and be replaced with a team who understands the transportation needs of the 21st century.

Yes, they could have given the loan for any of these reasons because, in the end, to lose our manufacturing infrastructure and throw 3 million people out of work would be a catastrophe.

But instead, the Senate said, we'll give you the loan only if the factory workers take a $20 an hour cut in wages, pension and health care. That's right. After giving BILLIONS to Wall Street hucksters and criminal investment bankers -- billions with no strings attached and, as we have since learned, no oversight whatsoever -- the Senate decided it is more important to break a union, more important to throw middle class wage earners into the ranks of the working poor than to prevent the total collapse of industrial America.

We have a little more than a month to go of this madness. As I sit here in Michigan today, tens of thousands of hard working, honest, decent Americans do not believe they can make it to January 20th. The malaise here is astounding. Why must they suffer because of the mistakes of every CEO from Roger Smith to Rick Wagoner? Make management and the boards of directors and the shareholders pay for this.

Of course that is heresy to the 31 Republicans who decided to blame the poor, miserable autoworkers for this mess. And our wonderful media complied with their spin on the morning news shows: "UAW Refuses to Give Concessions Killing Auto Bailout Bill." In fact the UAW has given concession after concession, reduced their benefits, agreed to get rid of the Jobs Bank and agreed to make it harder for their retirees to live from week to week. Yes! That's what we need to do! It's the Jobs Bank and the old people who have led the nation to economic ruin!

But even doing all that wasn't enough to satisfy the bastard Republicans. These Senate vampires wanted blood. Blue collar blood. You see, they weren't opposed to the bailout because they believed in the free market or capitalism. No, they were opposed to the bailout because they're opposed to workers making a decent wage. In their rage, they were driven to destroy the backbone of this country, not because the UAW hadn't given back enough, but because the UAW hadn't given up.

It appears that the sitting President has been looking for a way to end his reign by one magnanimous act, just like a warlord on his feast day. He will put his finger in the dyke, and the fragile mess of an auto industry will eke through the next few months.

That will give the Senate enough time to demand that the bankers and investment sharks who've already swiped nearly half of the $700 billion gift a chance to make the offer of cutting their pay.

Fat chance.

Yours,
Michael Moore

 
At 12/12/2008 7:39 PM, Anonymous James said...

@ destilando

This is a perfect example of why Michael Moore is a complete joke. ALL REPUBLICANS ARE BLOODSUCKING BASTARDS WHO HATE BLUE COLLAR WORKERS! Gimme a break. I feel sorry for anyone who actually holds such ignorant beliefs. This is the same thinking that exists behind racism.

I just thought of this interesting double standard though. We (I don't at least) feel sorry for workers that stay on at obviously unprofitable/failing companies while not making a plan for the near future. If you work Circuit City right now and are not actively seeking a job, or gaining some new skills, you're a moron. If you worked as a film developer in the mall photo shop and did not think about an exit plan 5 years ago when digital cameras emerged, I have no sympathy for you.

Why do we have so much sympathy for the GM workers? Frankly, I don't even really blame them for sticking around this long; they're clearly getting paid more than they would anywhere else (more than they deserve, I would posit). I'd stick around while that lasted too. But to not see the writing on the wall is ridiculous. The time to educate yourself, elevate your skills, become a more valuable worker, is when you're getting those fat GM checks, not when you "suddenly" realize you might not have a job at the same company next year.

 
At 12/13/2008 11:40 PM, Blogger Kazimer said...

Excellent News ! President Bush / Treasury Dept to work with the Auto Companies and UAW in magnanimous decision that will benefit the U.S. and its citzens.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home